Backyard BBQ Bax Style Part IV

Salsa Time aka Those Ecudorians Stole Our Dates
When we last left the Chi-Town Smokers they had just completed fending off a
horde of about 600 ravenous BBQ zombies and things were just now settling
down to the point where I could grab a beer and relax a bit from the flames
and smoke of the Box.
But before I could take one step forward in strolls Val compliment me on the
fine BBQ. Val looking every bit like Mark Volmann proceeds to spew kudos to
us on the evenings bill of fare.
All the while she is talking it is taking me back to a simpler time of cool
new vinyl, rolling papers, and anything else i could possibly rip off from
her record store in Oak Park.
Let me tell ya, Val's Halla Records was like the coolest record store in town
back in those days. We had our Soundsource, Record Attic, and all but Val's
place was like hanging out in your best friends basement or alley. In fact
she must have felt right at home here in the Box surrounded by brick, rock
and roll on the speakers, and the same small square footage of the store.
You could walk into Val's and browse while all the swell tunes of the day
like Yes, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Genesis, etc.. would swirl around
your head until Val's booming voice would cut through that musical bliss
like a lumberjacks axe on a red oak asking if anyone needed any help finding
anything usually with a few expletives thrown in just to freak me out. I was
pretty fearless back in those days but Val always managed to scare the crap
out of me.
Vals was the only place you could find the monthly Triad Guide so there I
would be reeking of pot smoke, beer, and Kool's and already in a heightened
state of paranoia from the skank weed and I would carefully approach the
counter hoping the Guides would be sitting on the counter next to the
register so I could snatch one and leave . But they never were. I usually
had to ask Val sheepishly if the guides came in. She would peer down at me
from behind the counter like Gentle Ben with an Afro and bellow out "NO
THEY DIDNT COME IN YET DAMMIT!"
I always thought one day I would leave just an outline of me in her front
door as I ran out ala Wiley Coyote
if anyone told me back then that I would be serving this lady BBQ in a
gangway in RF surrounded by zombies and salsa music....huh?..wait a second
here.....salsa music????
I slip back to present day and realize that there is salsa music booming
form the other end of the gangway!

Thinking maybe I have inhaled too much BBQ smoke over the course of the
evening I thank Val, excuse myself, and step out of the box to investigate.

As I walk over by Elaine I glimpse one of the scariest sights of this whole
evening.
One fo the Ecuadorian woman who looks like the a Bizzaro world version of
Charo shimmying and shaking to the salsa music that i heard earlier. I half
expected one of the Ecudorians to jump up and start singing into a shoplight
just to complete this Lynchian scene. It looked like two pigs fighting it
out inside a gunny sack. Not too far from her is a whole table of Ecudorians
sitting around sucking down all of Perrys tequila and beer egging her on. I
tell ya thses guys had it down pat. Let the gringo bring in all the food and
booze under the guise of a big party and then just steal it right from under
his hobnobbin nose!

Off to the side Elaine is sitting with Laurie and Patty (who doesnt drink
but is stewed to the gills) . All she needed was the Otis Campbell white
suit and hat to go with her inebriated state. All the while she is swooning
over one of the young stud Ecudorians at the table who looks like he just
stepped out of an audition for Menudo. El Sabado Gigante indeed!!
In the time it takes me to grab a beer out of the cooler they managed to
have all the wives seated their table doing more shots of tequila and
leering at them like they are so many hunks of bbq'ed meat.
This called for fast action on my part. I had to figure out how to lure
them away before they ended up "stolen" merchandise for the taking like
all of the food and booze.

It then hit me..I ran back over to the other side of the gangway to
marcello's bar ,,grabbed the leather covered bottle , held it high into the
air and screamed..'Hey Ladies! Over here!..TURTLE PENIS!!!!!"

to be continued......

DVD of The Week - Two Lane Blacktop

"..make it 1/2 a yard motherfucker and we got ourselves an automobile race.."
ok..I know this has been out on DVD for awhile now but I just revisited it the other night after a long viewing hiatus.
Anyway what can I say about a movie that stars James Taylor (yes THAT James Taylor) as The Driver, Dennis Wilson of Beach Boys fame as The Mechanic alongside B movie extraodinaire Warren Oates as MR GTO.?
This is a true cult flick that came out in 71 ..the same year as Vanishing Point. It was a good year for gearhead flicks and some were lucky enough to see both these films as a double feature in the following years.
The plot is pretty non existent in this film but the basic jist of it is as follows: The Driver and The Machanic tool around the country in an old beat up but souped up 55 Chevy picking up street races for money wherever they can find them. Mr GTO is a loud mouth braggart prone to tall tales who spends the movie picking up hitchhikers in his 70 GTO and boring them with all his excruiatingly long bullshit stories. Their two worlds collide when they all end up at the same backroads gas station and decide to race cross country for pink slips (IE car titles for those of you who sat under the clock in high school)to Washington D.C.
Thats it in a nutshell..some great 60's/70's music on the soundtrack , some cool racing scenes..very sparse but effective dialogue and Warren Oates..and hey Wilson and Taylor aint half bad in the acting dept either.
Also keep an eye out for Harry Dean Stanton in a bit role as a hitchhiker who cant keep his paws off Warren Oates's thigh. Hilarious scene!
Another excellent film from the "golden age" of cinema

Backyard BBQ Bax Style Part III

When we last left yours truly he was knee-deep in BBQ guests and the cavalry had just arrived in the form of a Mexican Fire God aka Rob...

I quickly filled Rob in on what i could remember as far as what animal carcass was on what smoker and in what cooler so far. Rob, still in shock on the amount of people streaming in after his arrival ,quickly grabs an armful of ribs and hightails it to the kitchen to cut up and hand out to the drooling throng of bbq zombies .

Just before the lid of the cooler closes I notice that it looks a little light in spite of the fact that Rob has relieved it of ribs.

I could have sworn there was a couple butts in there resting in addition to the one thats on the smoker that the Ecudorian tooth fairy has already taken a bite out of and which Perry has already instructed me to take a plaster cast of the bite so we can find out who the culprit is.

He has also brought in a few guests to introduce me to..one being the Kid Henry. I shove a 20 in his pocket and tell him to keep his fucking mouth shut, watch and learn, and above all never rat on your friends. I go to pull out a butt for the kid to start pulling and lo and behold the one meat cooler is now empty. Out of the corner of my eye I see Mama walking by slightly hunched over .
I didnt notice the large grease stained hump on her back earlier. I apologize for staring at her obvious physical deformity it and she says 'What hump?" and scurries into the house . As she does this I catch a waft of porky odor.

Could this little old lady be a sneak thief? The type to rob the street car company of nickels and to heist a few choice pieces of meat from the coolers? Anyway I look up and the scene before me tells me its no time to worry about whether meat is getting lifted.

There has to be at least 50 guests stuck in the little gateway leading to me and the smokers, thier eyes rolling in thier sockets and bbq sauce laden drool running out of their mouths. Its a take right out of Dawn Of The Dead. The man himself, George Romero, couldnt setup a more horrifying scene. I quickly light up the weedburner to fend off the the drooling moaning bbq guests. The heat is too much for them and they walk away muttering and greedily sucking what little bit of sauce they have left on their fingers to try and quench their inhuman taste for smoked animal flesh.
Between Perry walking around like Quasimodo as talk show host, Rob playing The Invisible Man in the house, and hundreds of zombielike guests on a feeding frenzy its beginning to look the backlot of Universal Studios back in thier horror movie heyday.

I call up Elaine, who is sitting only approximately 20 feet and but a good 200 guests away from where I am at and ask her to lob a beer in my direction. Good thing she has a good arm.

As I chug the beer I hear Perrys scream "MORE ABTS!" .....

Coming soon Part IV Salsa Time aka Those Ecudorians Stole Our Dates

Backyard BBQ Bax Style - Part II

Part II – BBQ in Purgatory:

When I reflect upon this culinary event I think of Paulie Walnuts words of wisdom to Christopher on the Sopranos upon Christopher’s awakening from a gunshot induced coma. Paulie looks at Christopher and exclaims "'You didn’t go to hell...you went to purgatory my friend!"

Hell…Purgatory...no words could describe what awaited me the day of the big event. In fact compared to this festival of meat a gunshot induced coma would be a walk in the park!!

Upon arriving back at the cooking site (2 hrs late I might add) I am greeted by Perry doing his rendition of Pig Pen by leaving a great big cloud of soot, rub, ash, and smoke swirling in his wake. He breathes a sigh of relief then proceeds to give me the rundown of what meat is at what temp on what smokers. One of those shopping mall wall maps with the little dot screaming "YOU ARE HERE" would have helped in this situation. I just keep nodding pretending I’m following everything he is telling me. As he hobbles off like a wounded soldier he says over his shoulder to me to throw about 75 or so ABTS on since there are like 3 guests there already (this count includes Jim who is content to be drinking his beer and smacking his poor dog Taffy around vs. eating). So now it’s just me and the smokers. As I crack a beer and throw on the old dew rag I look up and noticed guests are starting to trickle in. Maybe trickle is the wrong word:

Remember Tippi Hedren sitting in the schoolyard calmly smoking her cigarette and every time she looks up there are like 3 or 4 more killer birds perched on the monkey bars? Well...every time I looked up there were 6 more guests…then 12 then 20. It as if old Hitch crawled out of his grave to film some whacked out remake of The Birds starring me and all of Perry and Teri's guests. Was there some mad scientist sitting out on Lake Street cloning BBQ guests 7 at a time? As I proceed to throw yet another 100 or so ABTS' on I start to wonder just what exactly guarantees a person a spot on the highly exalted guest list for this bash?

Pull up next to one of them at a stoplight... BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Deliver a package to their house? BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Walk past either of them when they are out walking Queenie? BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Open your car door and have Perry run into it on his bike breaking his collarbone? BAM! You’re on the guest list! I mean besides the usual smattering of co workers, family, and close friends it was as if a bus from Pacific Garden Missions pulled up, unloaded everyone and said "Enjoy!!...We will be back around Midnight to pick ya up!”

Meanwhile out of the crowd bursts Rob…Ah yes looks like the support has
arrived to help out in “The Box”.

DVD of The Week - Downfall

Downfall is a German made film detailing the fall of Berlin and Hitlers last days in the bunker in final days of WWII. My son and I went to see this at the ONE theater it was playing at in the Chicago area a few months back and were both blown away by this film. The projectionist in this theater was so used to playing the Joe Six Pak blockbuster of the week though that the subtitles were off the screen for a good 20-25 minutes until a few of us finally got up and complained. They then fixed it and asked if we would like the movie started from the beginning. Duh!
Anyway it is now available on DVD and if you have any interest at all in WWII or history in general do not hesitate to purchase or rent this one. The film has been criticized for showing Hitler as "too human". I dont agree. The film paints a vivid portrait of Hitlers slow descent into madness and total disregard for the German citizens as Berlin crumbled under Russian artillery. While he and his staff are hunkered down in the bunker getting sloppy drunk, chewing cyanide capsules, or putting bullets in their own brainpans the city was being defended by old men and young children/ teenagers (Hitler youth). I was just mesmerized by Swedish actor Bruno Ganz's dead on performance of Der Fuhrer himself. There are a couple stand out scenes that are just hard to watch one of which is Goebbels wife administering cyanide capsules to her children so that they wont have to grow up in a non National Socialist society. Chilling stuff indeed since you know what you are watching actually happened.
This film runs 2.5 hrs or so which may seem long to some who dont like sub titles but I have to tell ya the time flies by.
In fact my son and I have planned to watch this followed by Das Boot the first snowy Sunday afternoon that hits the area. If anything I figure it will help boost his grade in German class.

CD Of The Week - Maggot Brain

"Mother Earth is pregnant for the 3rd time for y'all have knocked her up...."
Set the wayback machine to the year 1971...not an especially good year for me but it was the year that one of the greatest guitar tracks ever put to tape was recorded ..that being Eddie Hazel wailing on his guitar "like his momma just died" on the title track to Funkadelics newest release of that year.."Maggot Brain".
I just discovered that this cd has been remastered and re-released recently and couldnt be more happy. This has been on my personal playlist since I first heard George Clinton, Bernie Worell, Eddie Hazel, and crew blaring forth from my stoned out Cousin Bill's 8-track player when he picked me up for a lunch one balmy summer day back in 1973. I credit Bill for turning me on to quite a bit of great music back then and this was probably the most memorable one. I still remember looking at that cover art of the screaming afro haired woman in awe. The new remaster includes all the original tracks plus a couple bonus tracks ..one being an alt version of Maggot Brain. An interesting story behind this alt mix is that George Clinton had thought that the rest of the bands performance paled in comparison to Eddie Hazels guitar so he turned them way down in the final mix of the title track. The alt mix on the new cd is the original one before George modified it. It does sound different in that there is a lot more percussion present but thats about it.I do prefer the mix that ended up on the original album though. Funny thing is all these years I thought the reason you couldnt hear the rest of the band all that well was because it was a crappy recording and never realized it was intentional. In either case the title track is the real standout and worth the price of admission alone but the rest of the tracks smoke as well in all their electric funk glory.
BUY THIS CD or in the words of George Clinton himself.."Free Your Mind and Your Ass Will Follow"

Backyard BBQ Bax Style - Part 1

While I am still on the whole Chi-Town Smokers BBQ theme I figured it would be a good segue into the 4 part journal I wrote of Perrys Annual Labor Day BBQ. Each of us on the team manage to have some type of BBQ in summer where the succulent BBQ of our team is featured. Most of them are pretty run of the mill suburban backyard BBQ's's except for the Master of Excess himself..read on..

A Day At The Bax Labor Day Extravaganza (or how to fit 20 lbs of bologna into a 1 lb bag)
In a nutshell this event is a yearly get together put on by Perry and Teri where they invite every person they have ever known in thier life and see how many they can fit into a small gangway of someone elses home in River Forest . This is akin to the old college prank of days past where hundreds of drunken buffoons in racoon coats crammed themselves into phone booths all in the name of good old fashioned "fun" (aka Before Drugs). Note to Perry-maybe have the guests wear racoon coats next year.

1) The Night Before (Meet the Ecudorians)

The festivities actually start the night before when the cooking crew aka Chi-Town Smokers aka Dom, Nick and Hector aka Perry, Bill, and Rob assembles to unload and start cooking for the next days event.


We are first greeted by two Ecudorians, Roberto(whos house it is that is being squatted on for the weekend) and his brother Marcello "The Bartender".
Roberto, being johnny on the spot proceeds to help unload by going inside and laying down on the couch while Marcello and the new drunk neighbor Jim (think Ray Liotta in Something Wild) plays backup to his help. As we are unloading Marcello excitedly shows me his new addition to the bar this year ..a metal ladder suspended over a flight of concrete stairs leading to the basement door fifteen feet below. All drinks will be poured without a safety net this year! Its enough to make a Flying Wallenda green with envy. Meanwhile Perry sets in to his trademark hob nobbing while myself and Rob and wacky neighbor Jim proceed to unload the rest of the things from the back of the van.


Cookers are setup in a small 10 by 20 rectangular area in what I can only describe as a brick version of The Box from Cool Hand Luke. the only thing missing is Carl the Floor Walker. Little do I know that I will be spending some hard time for the next 24 hours in "the box" for all my past sins.

Once the 4 drunken Ecudorians "pallbearers" realize the large coffin sized cooler they are carrying does not have any beer in it they set it down. We then proceed to unload the meat (the equivalant of 6 cows, 5 large size sows, and 20 chickens) ,while Perry still wanders around fretting about not having enough meat, and bring it into the house to put in the frig . As I open the frig door im greeted by a small ceramic pig emitting a highpitched evil squealing sound that sounds like more like Elmo on crack than a pig. Clearly this little fellow has been been set too close to the ouija board . I hear the words "Satan is good..Satan is your pal" in between squeals as I close the frig door

Once the area is setup we all settle down for a few beers and Rob , the Fire God, fires up his trademark Wall Of Flame and gets the coals going . . Meanwhile Jim is hooking up floor speakers on either side of The Box so that the soothing sounds of NIN and Mininstry can be heard throughout the town. Slowly more Ecudorians trickle out of the house in a steady stream drawn by the smells of the side of the house burning and sounds of cracked beer cans and the pouring of tequila shots.

You have Roberto "Boy I musta fell asleep.Wheres the beer?" , his mother MaMa "we have corn..you like?", the dad Taquio "mumbling something in Spanish" , and Santiago who is drunk, weeping uncontrollably and blubbering about Americas ill fated healthcare system while hugging Perry. This must be some form of bonding in Ecudor.

For the next two hours I drink my beer in silence while listening to Taquio ask me repeatedly why I dont talk in Spanish. Meanwhile Jim the whacky neghbor sits there with his Manson Lamps on full brightness laughing along with the little ceramic pig inside under his breath. Something about Jim is just not right but no one seems to be able to put thier finger on what it is. Myself Im still waiting for him to put the oxygen mask on his face..draw in deeply and tell everyone to "stop fucking looking at him!"

Meanwhile a couple out of town guests arrive early due to the fact that they have driven all the way from Kentucky to attend the Cecil B. DeMille version of a BBQ. It seems tales of this annual event have reached such bibilical proportions that people are actually crossing state lines to attend. We meet Jack and his new wife Patty. Jack is an old college room mate of Perry's . They proceed to swap old stories of chemical experiments performed in one of the dorms. Patti turns down a beer offer and Jack explains that she is not much of a drinker but might have a maragarita at tomorrows festivities. the Ecudorians smile and happily gulp down her unwanted portion of the evenings liquor

Meanwhile we throw on the butts and brisket. Perry is standing there looking like some greaseball Quasimodo half bent over with his broken clavicle probably wondering how many Vicodins and beer it will take to to keep him numb for the next 15 hrs of cooking solo.The front of his shirt already looks like the burnout area of Great Lakes Dragaway even though cooking has only just begun.

At this point I feel its a good time to skedaddle so that i get enough rest for the next days epic.

As I walk to my car i can hear little posssessed Porky in the refrigerator in the house still giggling and cackling and making those godawful squealing sounds ..a true omen of things to come....Mr. Lynch? thats a wrap for the evening.....

Coming Soon... The Big Day ( BBQ in Purgatory)