Backyard BBQ Bax Style - Part II

Part II – BBQ in Purgatory:

When I reflect upon this culinary event I think of Paulie Walnuts words of wisdom to Christopher on the Sopranos upon Christopher’s awakening from a gunshot induced coma. Paulie looks at Christopher and exclaims "'You didn’t go to hell...you went to purgatory my friend!"

Hell…Purgatory...no words could describe what awaited me the day of the big event. In fact compared to this festival of meat a gunshot induced coma would be a walk in the park!!

Upon arriving back at the cooking site (2 hrs late I might add) I am greeted by Perry doing his rendition of Pig Pen by leaving a great big cloud of soot, rub, ash, and smoke swirling in his wake. He breathes a sigh of relief then proceeds to give me the rundown of what meat is at what temp on what smokers. One of those shopping mall wall maps with the little dot screaming "YOU ARE HERE" would have helped in this situation. I just keep nodding pretending I’m following everything he is telling me. As he hobbles off like a wounded soldier he says over his shoulder to me to throw about 75 or so ABTS on since there are like 3 guests there already (this count includes Jim who is content to be drinking his beer and smacking his poor dog Taffy around vs. eating). So now it’s just me and the smokers. As I crack a beer and throw on the old dew rag I look up and noticed guests are starting to trickle in. Maybe trickle is the wrong word:

Remember Tippi Hedren sitting in the schoolyard calmly smoking her cigarette and every time she looks up there are like 3 or 4 more killer birds perched on the monkey bars? Well...every time I looked up there were 6 more guests…then 12 then 20. It as if old Hitch crawled out of his grave to film some whacked out remake of The Birds starring me and all of Perry and Teri's guests. Was there some mad scientist sitting out on Lake Street cloning BBQ guests 7 at a time? As I proceed to throw yet another 100 or so ABTS' on I start to wonder just what exactly guarantees a person a spot on the highly exalted guest list for this bash?

Pull up next to one of them at a stoplight... BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Deliver a package to their house? BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Walk past either of them when they are out walking Queenie? BAM! You're on the guest list!!! Open your car door and have Perry run into it on his bike breaking his collarbone? BAM! You’re on the guest list! I mean besides the usual smattering of co workers, family, and close friends it was as if a bus from Pacific Garden Missions pulled up, unloaded everyone and said "Enjoy!!...We will be back around Midnight to pick ya up!”

Meanwhile out of the crowd bursts Rob…Ah yes looks like the support has
arrived to help out in “The Box”.