Backyard BBQ Bax Style - Part 1

While I am still on the whole Chi-Town Smokers BBQ theme I figured it would be a good segue into the 4 part journal I wrote of Perrys Annual Labor Day BBQ. Each of us on the team manage to have some type of BBQ in summer where the succulent BBQ of our team is featured. Most of them are pretty run of the mill suburban backyard BBQ's's except for the Master of Excess himself..read on..

A Day At The Bax Labor Day Extravaganza (or how to fit 20 lbs of bologna into a 1 lb bag)
In a nutshell this event is a yearly get together put on by Perry and Teri where they invite every person they have ever known in thier life and see how many they can fit into a small gangway of someone elses home in River Forest . This is akin to the old college prank of days past where hundreds of drunken buffoons in racoon coats crammed themselves into phone booths all in the name of good old fashioned "fun" (aka Before Drugs). Note to Perry-maybe have the guests wear racoon coats next year.

1) The Night Before (Meet the Ecudorians)

The festivities actually start the night before when the cooking crew aka Chi-Town Smokers aka Dom, Nick and Hector aka Perry, Bill, and Rob assembles to unload and start cooking for the next days event.


We are first greeted by two Ecudorians, Roberto(whos house it is that is being squatted on for the weekend) and his brother Marcello "The Bartender".
Roberto, being johnny on the spot proceeds to help unload by going inside and laying down on the couch while Marcello and the new drunk neighbor Jim (think Ray Liotta in Something Wild) plays backup to his help. As we are unloading Marcello excitedly shows me his new addition to the bar this year ..a metal ladder suspended over a flight of concrete stairs leading to the basement door fifteen feet below. All drinks will be poured without a safety net this year! Its enough to make a Flying Wallenda green with envy. Meanwhile Perry sets in to his trademark hob nobbing while myself and Rob and wacky neighbor Jim proceed to unload the rest of the things from the back of the van.


Cookers are setup in a small 10 by 20 rectangular area in what I can only describe as a brick version of The Box from Cool Hand Luke. the only thing missing is Carl the Floor Walker. Little do I know that I will be spending some hard time for the next 24 hours in "the box" for all my past sins.

Once the 4 drunken Ecudorians "pallbearers" realize the large coffin sized cooler they are carrying does not have any beer in it they set it down. We then proceed to unload the meat (the equivalant of 6 cows, 5 large size sows, and 20 chickens) ,while Perry still wanders around fretting about not having enough meat, and bring it into the house to put in the frig . As I open the frig door im greeted by a small ceramic pig emitting a highpitched evil squealing sound that sounds like more like Elmo on crack than a pig. Clearly this little fellow has been been set too close to the ouija board . I hear the words "Satan is good..Satan is your pal" in between squeals as I close the frig door

Once the area is setup we all settle down for a few beers and Rob , the Fire God, fires up his trademark Wall Of Flame and gets the coals going . . Meanwhile Jim is hooking up floor speakers on either side of The Box so that the soothing sounds of NIN and Mininstry can be heard throughout the town. Slowly more Ecudorians trickle out of the house in a steady stream drawn by the smells of the side of the house burning and sounds of cracked beer cans and the pouring of tequila shots.

You have Roberto "Boy I musta fell asleep.Wheres the beer?" , his mother MaMa "we have corn..you like?", the dad Taquio "mumbling something in Spanish" , and Santiago who is drunk, weeping uncontrollably and blubbering about Americas ill fated healthcare system while hugging Perry. This must be some form of bonding in Ecudor.

For the next two hours I drink my beer in silence while listening to Taquio ask me repeatedly why I dont talk in Spanish. Meanwhile Jim the whacky neghbor sits there with his Manson Lamps on full brightness laughing along with the little ceramic pig inside under his breath. Something about Jim is just not right but no one seems to be able to put thier finger on what it is. Myself Im still waiting for him to put the oxygen mask on his face..draw in deeply and tell everyone to "stop fucking looking at him!"

Meanwhile a couple out of town guests arrive early due to the fact that they have driven all the way from Kentucky to attend the Cecil B. DeMille version of a BBQ. It seems tales of this annual event have reached such bibilical proportions that people are actually crossing state lines to attend. We meet Jack and his new wife Patty. Jack is an old college room mate of Perry's . They proceed to swap old stories of chemical experiments performed in one of the dorms. Patti turns down a beer offer and Jack explains that she is not much of a drinker but might have a maragarita at tomorrows festivities. the Ecudorians smile and happily gulp down her unwanted portion of the evenings liquor

Meanwhile we throw on the butts and brisket. Perry is standing there looking like some greaseball Quasimodo half bent over with his broken clavicle probably wondering how many Vicodins and beer it will take to to keep him numb for the next 15 hrs of cooking solo.The front of his shirt already looks like the burnout area of Great Lakes Dragaway even though cooking has only just begun.

At this point I feel its a good time to skedaddle so that i get enough rest for the next days epic.

As I walk to my car i can hear little posssessed Porky in the refrigerator in the house still giggling and cackling and making those godawful squealing sounds ..a true omen of things to come....Mr. Lynch? thats a wrap for the evening.....

Coming Soon... The Big Day ( BBQ in Purgatory)